Raising a Child Who Wants to Behave

Most parents are good parents. But if your child has attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD), "good" may not be enough. To ensure that your child is happy and well-adjusted now and in the future — and to create a tranquil home environment — you've got to be a great parent.

Fortunately, it's easier than you'd imagine to go from good to great. All it takes is a few adjustments in your ADHD parenting strategies and the way you interact with your child. Here's what works, and why.

A child who senses his parents' resentment — and their pessimism about their prospects — is unlikely to develop the self-esteem and can-do spirit they'll need in order to become a well-adjusted adult.

Follow this good parenting principle: Treat your kid as if they were already the person you would like them to be. That will help them become that person.

Parents are a child's most influential role model, so think carefully about your own behavior. If you're unable to control yourself, how can you expect your child to exercise self-control?

It's perfectly normal to feel angry at your child from time to time. It's not OK to continually shout at them. You wouldn't dream of screaming and swearing at friends or coworkers, so you know you can control your anger if you must.

[Free Resource: 13 Parenting Strategies for Kids with ADHD]

All children need to be told "no" at certain times — to keep them from doing something dangerous. But many parents say "no" reflexively. And a kid who hears "no" a lot is apt to rebel — especially if she's impulsive to begin with.

Smart parents know when to say "no," and when it makes more sense to take a deep breath and answer in the affirmative — and avoid a nasty confrontation.

Many parents overlook all the positive ways in which their child behaves. The resulting negativity can cast a pall over the household that affects every aspect of life.

"Catch your child being good or doing something well, and praise them," says Sal Severe, Ph.D. "By praising desirable behaviors, you teach them what you want — not what you don't want."

"Parents spend a lot of time in reactive mode instead of thinking and planning ahead," explains George DuPaul, Ph.D. A simple plan, he says, is all it takes to keep a positive experience from turning negative for all concerned.

Whatever you do, be consistent. A last-minute change in schedule or an interruption of a familiar routine can wreak havoc with a child who already feels like they spend most of their time off-balance.

It's no fun to hear others describe your child as "problematic" and "unmotivated". But don't let negative remarks deter you from advocating for their educational needs. After all, kids with ADHD can succeed if they get the help they need.

"While it's true that your child's mind works differently, they certainly have the ability to learn and succeed just like any other child," says Dr. DuPaul.

[If You Shout, You’ll Never Be Heard]

How often have you complained to friends, "I've yelled, lectured, threatened, given time-outs, and even spanked — and nothing works!" Do you see the problem with this approach? Any child exposed to such a variety of negative ADHD parenting strategies would be confused.

Instead of punishing every infraction, stick to a consistent behavior modification program: Define attainable goals and reward each achievement until the behavior becomes routine.

Imagine telling your child to make his bed. Now imagine finding them, minutes later, lying on their unmade bed playing cards. What should you do?

The best approach might be to remind your child what you want him to do. Punishment makes sense if it's clear that your child is being defiant — if he refuses to make the bed. But, in many cases a child with ADHD fails to comply simply because he became distracted.

Kids who repeatedly hear bad things about themselves come to believe these things. No matter how frustrating your child's behavior, never call them "lazy," or anything else that might be hurtful.

Bear in mind that some of the problem behaviors you ascribe to ADHD may be common to all children of that age. It's helpful to read up on the stages of childhood development.

There's no doubt that, for many children with ADHD, the right medication makes a huge difference in behavior. But by no means are meds the only thing that makes a difference, and talking about it as if it were will leave the child feeling that good behavior has little to do with their own efforts. When you catch your child doing something you've repeatedly asked them not to do, fight the urge to ask, "Did you forget to take your medication this morning?"

Are you the kind of parent who finds fault with everyone except your child with ADHD? Do you say things like "If only the teacher were better, my son wouldn't have so much trouble in school"?

Other people can contribute to your child's problems. But trying to pin the blame exclusively on others encourages your child to take the easy way out. Why should she take personal responsibility for her actions if they can blame someone else?

Don't be afraid to ask others for help. After all, it takes a village. "If you take the Clint Eastwood approach, you'll wind up exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically," says Ken Brown-Gratchev, Ph.D. "Build a NASA-worthy support system. That way, when your own 'system' overloads or fails, as it inevitably will from time to time, there's someone to put you back together again."

[How Do You Lift Your Child’s Spirits?]